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🚨 Fictional Timeline – March 31 2026

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Happy Tuesday

In a bid to convince First Lady Melania Trump, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) drafted a letter urging that the White House Easter Egg Roll—an event that dates back to 1878—use decorated potatoes in place of eggs. The letter states, “Easter fun doesn’t have to come at a hen’s expense.”

As a token of appreciation for the First Lady’s cooperation, PETA will present her with a dress made from old Idaho potato sacks, inspired by Marilyn Monroe’s iconic 1951 frock.

Because apparently the best way to promote animal rights is to dress the First Lady like a Depression-era farmer.

Photo credit: The Atlantic

MARKETS

Gold

$4,571.88

Silver

$73.06

Bitcoin

$67,283.15

Dow

45,216.14

S&P

6,343.72

Nasdaq

20,794.64

*Stock data as of market close, cryptocurrency data as of 5:00 a.m. ET.

Lead: Ever Evolving Timeline

Photo credit: AI-generated image (ChatGPT/OpenAI)

According to The Washington Post, the Pentagon is preparing U.S. forces for prolonged ground operations in Iran, with officials indicating the mission could last “weeks, not months,” a timeline recently emphasized by Secretary of State Marco Rubio.

For a war first expected to last hours, then days, are we now to believe “weeks” is the final projection?

If carried out, the ground operations could involve raids by special operations forces and conventional infantry units, which could pose significant risks to troops, exposing them to Iranian ground fire, missiles, and explosive devices.

Could the buildup of troops signal a plan to seize Iran’s uranium? According to multiple sources, that appears increasingly likely. President Trump is reportedly considering using troops to capture enriched uranium at Iranian nuclear sites. However, analysts warn that a mission like this would be complex and high-risk even for specialized forces.

According to The Wall Street Journal, Trump has directed advisers to intensify pressure on Tehran to surrender roughly 450 kilograms of enriched uranium as part of any deal to end the conflict, while also discussing the possibility of “seizing it by force” if negotiations break down.

Sergey Lavrov, Minister of Foreign Affairs of the Russian Federation, weighed in on U.S. interest in Iran’s uranium, saying, “They just want to get their energy source, like they do from Latin America, the Caribbean, the Persian Gulf and other parts of our planet.”

Because risking American troops to secure one energy source from Iran isn’t enough, Trump told the Financial Times on Sunday that he would also like to seize Iran’s oil, explaining, “To be honest with you, my favorite thing is to take the oil in Iran, but some stupid people back in the US say: ‘Why are you doing that?’ But they’re stupid people.”

To do this, the U.S. would have to seize critical oil infrastructure on Kharg Island, which accounts for about 90% of Iran’s crude exports. This would be a disastrous move that would present serious threats to American military forces, given that the island is roughly 20 miles off Iran’s coast, and would therefore leave troops vulnerable to drones and missiles launched from the mainland.

Escalating the conflict by preparing to invade Iran in this way, particularly ahead of signaling peace talks, has further increased tensions, with officials, such as Iran’s parliamentary speaker, Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf, declaring, “Unaware that our men are waiting for the arrival of American soldiers on the ground to set fire to them and punish their regional partners forever. Our firing continues. Our missiles are in place.”

Legalized Palestinian Executions

Photo credit: ksat

Israel’s parliament has passed a law making death by hanging a default sentence for Palestinians convicted in military courts of deadly attacks against Israelis, while Jewish Israelis who kill Palestinians face no such penalty. This appears to be an obvious move toward their goal of ethnically cleansing Palestinians.

The legislation, which is scheduled to take effect within 30 days, was passed Monday in the 120-seat Knesset by 62 votes to 48, including a vote in favor from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

This measure is deeply disturbing given the fact that Israel currently has over 14,000 Palestinian prisoners held without charge or trial, and the United Nations has warned that the bill has “vague and overbroad definitions of terrorist”, meaning the death penalty could be applied to actions that are not truly terrorist in nature.

The Palestinian Authority described the law as a “war crime,” arguing it breaches the Fourth Geneva Convention.

After the bill’s passage, Israeli National Security Minister Ben Gvir was seen celebrating, saying, “Soon we will count them one by one.”

It’s truly despicable.

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Redacted Featured Video

Did you miss our last live show? No problem, you can catch the replay here! We sit down with Joe Kent, Former Director of the United States National Counterterrorism Center to discuss how Trump’s US Boots on the Ground in Iran would be a disaster.

What’s Trending?

Photo credit: Rotten Tomatoes

Harrison Ford is trending as fans wonder whether he will leave Apple TV’s beloved Shrinking as season 4 approaches.

Hannah Harper is trending because rumors are spreading that she quit American Idol.

Western Australia is trending because its sky turned what is described as apocalyptic blood red ahead of Tropical Cyclone Narelle hitting the coast.

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